Another week of school has come to a close. It has been a rather strange seven days, I must say, so happening for a boring girl like me. Dissolutions of problems created new ones, hearts were broken left and right, trusts breached, old annoyances flared up again, firsts and endings occur side by side in a very tumultuous few days.
I am not a very determined person in life. There are many times I would be willing to throw in the towel, wave a white flag and concede defeat. This applies to all aspects of my life, including my life. Sometimes, I feel that life isn’t that worth living. Which is a tad sad, considering that is all there is to my existence. Whether there is an afterlife or not, one shouldn’t be as scared of death as they should be.
A while back, I was asked about how I imagine my death would be. Strangely, I couldn’t seem to picture it in my head. Or rather, there have been many scenarios in which I imagined I could possibly die. And all of them do not involve a happy ending. Perhaps it is just pessimism or an overly morbid personality. Then I said that I would be ok to die, as long as I have suffered no pain in the process.
Given the situation I was in then, I probably meant it. Sometimes life is just too meaningless and mundane. Everyone goes through the same cookie cutter process some way or another, and we pride ourselves at the end of the maze for finding our way through when in actual fact, we reach there whether we like it or not. Death is the end of everyone’s journey in life. Sure, the journey matters, but at that point in time when I said that statement, I saw no true importance or significance in any possible journey I was about to embark upon.
But right now, I must retract that statement. I would not be okay with dying right this instant, right now. Hold that thought.
I had a conversation regarding problems in general. What I was advised was that everyone has personal problems, we should simply learn to cope with it somehow. Sometimes your problems are so trivial, that when you realize how insignificant they really are compared to some other people, you would cease to be upset and move on with life.
Life isn’t always a bed of roses. Little hiccups are inevitable, trips are unavoidable and pitfalls are understandable. But that does not mean that they are not supposed to affect you, your being, your mood and your person. These ups and downs are supposed to mould you as a person. Of course, it is recommended that you grow stronger for it. But sometimes you simply emerge worse for the wear, battered and scarred. Not in the physical sense but emotionally and mentally. Your trust is worn, your love is stretched and your faith is hollowed.
Problems occur when something that matters to us is affected adversely. This can be somebody, something or an intangible happening. As a result, comparisons cannot be done on a general scale. You can’t possibly tell a friend in pain that he or she is selfish for being distraught because there are people with no food to eat or no clothes to wear. If you were to dole out all the pain and suffering happening across the globe, you would enter depression. Nobody is that worldly. In the face of a disaster that wipes out your family, do you shed two tears and put it behind you? No, you mourn, you go into denial, you bawl your eyes out in attempt to unload some of the agony that you are suffering. Hundreds of others have died as well, why are you so upset then?
Problems are an issue of relativity and absolution. Sure, my problems may not be as pressing in relation to yours. But in no way am I feeling any worse. For me, my loved ones are all that I care for and affect me the most. When they are hurt, I bleed with them. Which brings me back to my previous statement about death.
I do not want to die now. Simply because I am not a singular entity anymore. I am linked to the people who love me, and whom I love back. Sometimes it takes just that one person to make you realize how lucky you are to have the people surrounding you. As much as I cannot afford to lose them, they would be equally hurt if I drop off the face of the earth one fine day. The past few months have been eventful to say the least, despite the monotone of the holidays. But in the wake and process of these events, I must say that love in all forms can destroy you, but can also get you through anything. Even if some things might take forever to heal, whats important is you realize that there are people who are willing to take your hand and walk through the debris with you.
I would hate to be the disaster that created a crater in their world. Instead, I hope to be there to walk them through step by step.
Another thing that I realized is that you just need those people who really matter around you. Every other day, a revelation about the ugliness of human nature is made, and we get disappointed. While these people are not perfect beings who would not crush you, they have your interests at heart as you do theirs. Even if one day they turn their backs, you can still remember the beautiful times you had together in the social bubble around yourself. But usually, they are there to stay. As for the others, less is more. If you talk less, they are less likely to be offended, they are less likely to know anything about you and less likely to perform any form of heinous judgment or harmful acts against you. While it might not truly matter, why risk such things? As I type this, I must really to keep my thoughts to myself.
What a lengthy monologue. I wonder if it even makes sense! My trivial life has been rather boring actually and my internet is a bitch so uploading photos has been a pain in the ass. Nevertheless, I shall do a foodie post.