Yesterday I was in a state in which my physical and mental faculties were completely impaired. While I could sit, walk and run even, I was not reaching places. My mind, judgment and thoughts were void of rationality as I sought simply to carry myself into a state of nirvana. I wanted to forget. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be reckless. I wanted to be completely safe from whatever that has been haunting me.
Instead, these nightmares became larger than life. I found it ringing in my ears, flashing in front of me, like a train that just bludgeoned through my existence. Some things that you hold on to, are meant to remain as they always have been. Because you need them. You need them for your own selfish sake to stay the same, because when they do not, your world comes crashing down. The reality of what happened was magnified by the cloak of alcohol in my system. I did not want to be myself anymore. I wanted to be another girl, another person, another being in entirety.
But when I was reminded of who I am, the intensity of my emotions became too much for me to handle. Torrents of tears, hysterical sobs, physical displacement in attempt to escape the truth, pushing him away, curling up and crying in the corner of a car park.
Why? Why did it happen? Why?
I do not have an answer. I will never have an answer.