Discovery

Long story short; I miss the world out there.

I find myself starkly different from what I used to be. In a way, I really loathe who I used to be. Sometimes, I still loathe who I am, and who I am turning into. But the only difference between the past and the future is that the future is in our hands, whereas the past has long slipped through and crashed onto our feet.

I miss writing. Though many would not consider my rambling as a form of ‘writing’, but to me, it is a way of formally verbalizing, toning and structuring my thoughts in a coherent manner. My mind is one jumbled mess, and if I were a hard disk, it would probably read ‘full’, ‘corrupted’ or ’empty’. In any way, it is difficult to think, digest or comprehend anything nowadays. Maybe I am simply going mad, or maybe I just need to blab it out and get it over with.

I used to lock this blog up, out of fear of judgment, criticism and exposure. Eighteen years is a really short period of time to throw in the towel on your life, but I was really close to. There was no significant meaning left, except to earn top grades and enter top institutions, both which I failed to do. A year and a half after I began this blog, which is unknown to most, I find myself missing what it felt like to connect to others. Many others. I read my old blogs, and I see myself chirpy, sad and vulnerable to all. Vulnerable but open. Over the years, self loathe has turned me into a coward. I clammed up, stemmed all contact with most people and gave up trying to share my life. To me, it was not something worthy to be broadcasted.

Today, I still dislike the person I am and was. But I can do something about the person I am turning into. At least I want to try.

I am going to start blogging constantly again. About my life, about the people around me and what I am doing in general. Doing so would ensure that I would not end up in a boring rut and settle for my comfortable Super Single with a cosy duvet, but leave the covers, put my best face forward and greet the world! Wish me luck.

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